Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
