I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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