Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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