so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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