My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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