I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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