Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Send help, water and tortillas.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
