i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
