im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
