so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
