my phone needs a breathalizer
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
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