Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
