For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
