I wish my penis had an off switch
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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