allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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