Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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