Soap is not a condiment
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
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