some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
