You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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