I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
