Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
