my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Drunk is not a location!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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