trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
