nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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