Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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