I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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