i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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