Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
