see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Randomize
