Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I AM VODKA MAN
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just gargled with NyQuil
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
