I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
