I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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