3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
