Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
