the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
