i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
