So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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