I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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