I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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