I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
