Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
