I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
