im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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