I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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