He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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