When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
