saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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