I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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