apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
