Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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