I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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