I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You need Xanax blowdarts
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left