if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It happened again.
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck