Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face