its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
