I think my vagina is haunted
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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