What did we do last night that was yellow?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
