I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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