i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
