so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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