is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
